Tanisha Madhukar - Blog 16 - Swiss Miss
I hate that this is ending. I’m going to miss the weekly paragraphs that I write for everyone. I’m going to miss reflecting on different aspects of my teenage life. I’m going to miss the community that we’ve spent months building and nourishing.
I often miss things in my daily life. I attribute it to the constant flow of thoughts throughout my brain combined with the constant pressure to perform both academically and socially. To counteract this forgetful feeling I’ll often miss things on purpose, that way I have an excuse for when I fail.
Very recently, I was having a conversation with a fellow classmate about Beloved. I mentioned how I barely put any effort into reading and understanding the book, whereas they read the book not once, but twice, and watched videos to supplement the gaps in their understanding. I wonder if I had put as much care into understanding this book, maybe I wouldn’t have missed the magic the book had to offer.
For every test this year I found myself waking up around 3:00-4:00 am in the morning in order to study. This morning was no different as I found myself up at 3:00 am hunched over my desk as I scrambled to practice MCQ questions for my physics test. Once my mom came in I began to complain about the four units I had to cram into a 4-hour study session. I expressed the anxiety I felt while studying, thinking that I missed an important topic that would be on the test. My mom laughed in my face saying “at least you know what’s on the test.” “Life doesn’t like to tell you, it’ll just throw it at you when it thinks you’re ready.” Since this morning those words have been lingering in my mind.
I miss the friends I’d see everyday on my street. I miss the year that was stolen from my childhood by a worldwide disease. I miss the people who would tell me stories and warn me not to make the same mistakes.
But time waits for no one, and no longer will I miss what comes my way.
Tanisha, I’d like to start by saying that I found your blog relatable in multiple ways—the first one being how I, too, am going to miss the blogs and the community that Lang has provided. I feel like us Lang students truly do have a special bond. It is kind of beautiful in a way to know that most of the emotions we felt from the class are shared—regardless of which side of the happiness spectrum these emotions lie on. I think the community aspect is explained in the way that a Lang student can begin, and hold, a conversation with literally any other Lang student. We truly just java gone through so much together, that we would not run out of things to talk about.
ReplyDeleteThe next part of your blog I would like to spend time talking about is your words on Beloved. I did end up reading the book twice, and I can confidently say that I am very glad I did. I think reading this book truly offered some real perspective—one that I have not found elsewhere yet. I also feel that Beloved helped me appreciate writing in a way I have not before.
I will say that your test routine is both remarkable and commendable. I could not imagine waking up that early for tests, especially since there are so many this year. But honestly more so because I have learned that I work better staying up late studying, as opposed to waking up early. I think this is partly because I feel like if I stay up, I know how much time I have to study, and then can sleep when I finish. On the opposite side, I would wake up and risk not having enough time to finish the content. I guess it truly is just personal preference.
I feel like your penultimate paragraph is exceptionally and utterly true. I remember when I would go out and simply ring a doorbell to see if my neighbor wanted to go to the park. I also remember how upset I was to hear about the effects of COVID. I still hold resentment because we never got to go to science camp.
Overall, thank you for inviting me to reflect on so many memories. I will also say that the Swiss Miss packets with the little marshmallows in them are next level elite; I heavily recommend.
Tanisha, I’d like to start with saying that I was pretty much always pleasantly surprised with all the blogs you’ve written in this cohort! I’ve thought that all your blogs were really relatable. I haven’t gotten to speak with you for long, so I never really knew you that well, and so I thought your blogs were shockingly close to my own thoughts! On that, I hope I can talk to you more by year’s end (or next year!).
ReplyDeleteI love the final line of your blog. It ties everything together so well; missing in the heartfelt sense, and missing in the “forgetting” sense. This also being your final sentence in the cohort (besides that interesting hot cocoa take) demonstrates so much strength. It feels like we’ve all been tumbling along in this field of APENG, but I’m glad you can stand at the end and look onward. We’ve reached the great ending to this junior year story, and it does really seem like we’ve been steeled to take on anything now. I for one, have been saying that I have gained the awesome ability to sit down and just write an essay in one go. With the mental fortitude APENG has bestowed us through beating us into shape, I feel really confident about my work ethic now. This is one of the best gifts I could’ve gotten out of this year, despite all the rough mornings I, or we, have had.
Anyway, I’m gonna miss it all too. This community we’ve created together, over thousands of words, has exposed some parts of me I didn’t know I was vulnerable enough to talk about. I’ll miss all our fine selections of images too. But we’re probably not dying or anything anytime soon (hopefully). Maybe we can all find some time in our future to write for ourselves—so please keep reflecting on yourself! I think your introspection is some great stuff!
Tanisha, first of all, I loved your introduction—and though I also share your grief over the rapidly approaching end of this class, I’m also trying to find ways to incorporate the things that I loved doing from this class into my personal life (in particular, writing these blogs). I couldn’t relate harder to your feelings about Beloved. I read through it once, listened to the audiobook in full once, tested myself and compressed everything from studying the stuff Sparknotes had to say about it, and I honestly don’t think I got anywhere close to the “magic the book had to offer.” I distinctly remember Mrs. Smith mentioned how in preparation for teaching the novel, she would reread it, and even after all these years, still find new things to say about it. It absolutely terrified me how the person who had been our mentor could still discover things about the book, like, how could we even get an inch deep into the iceberg of the book? I will say though, I wish I had the deduction to wake up that early to study—as much as I love the class, there were times when it just got to me at moments I hated and would just give up (which only seemed to fuel my bad mood because I hate quitters, so all the power to you for doing what you had to do). Overall, I wish we got to talk more this school year, but your final blog was wonderful to read! And I absolutely agree with you, hot chocolate is great for all seasons!
ReplyDeleteI love your blog writing style; you tend to center it around a recent (or past) personal anecdote and spin and weave it into a commentary on so many different topics relevant to our current school lives, and this blog is absolutely no different. Throughout all of your blogs, you create such an interactive and personal environment that makes me truly feel like I am alongside you experiencing your memories (or rememories!) again.
ReplyDeleteEven though I will most definitely miss all of… this—blogging, this cohort, school, 11th grade, this class—maybe the point is more to remember than to miss. We miss things to remember how we felt when we had it. But in remembering, we can apply it to our lives in the future. And we’ll know to hold on as tightly as we can to the ephemerals, to those truly fleeting moments in our lives that we know we will miss but have a desire, no, an obligation to experience.
Thank you for this final blog! I enjoyed reading your blogs all throughout this anxiety-filled second semester of possibly the most important chapter of our lives thus far.