Alex Francavilla - Week 16 - Evermore
And as he sits here on this fateful evening as the most observed spot on his computer monitor—the bottom right hand corner—silently displays a 9, as he procrastinates on writing my blog for the 16th time this school year, he sees his regrets.
Regrets for not talking to that person a little longer on the first day of school. Regrets for not cleaning my room before my parents saw the mess. Regrets for not submitting that assignment 20 seconds earlier. Regrets for talking for 10 minutes and 20 seconds during my POAS presentation because I had prepared a presentation that required me to ramble about too many topics to get my points across. Regrets for intentionally distancing myself from my drawing hobby for no apparent reason. Regrets for making my several hours long afterschool naps a regular habit because I didn’t care enough to put the phone down at 2 am. Regrets for making people angry by sleeping through obligations. Regrets for not pursuing personal projects that would have brought myself and others so much joy. Regrets for no longer giving gifts to people. Regrets for telling people about my emotions. Regrets for not telling people about my emotions. Regrets for being too vulnerable in these blogs. Regrets for subconsciously (or even lucidly) displaying my deteriorated mental status through my physical facial expressions and posture and speech and mannerisms.
Regrets for taking this class. God, you don’t know how much I regretted taking this class.
This class broke me in multiple ways. There’s the conventional way—you know, snap, crunch, crack, etc. But it also broke my limited viewpoint on life. Fundamentally, the AP English Language class was completely and utterly alien to me as I progressed through this school year, due in no small part to our class being Mrs. Smith’s only AP period. We all know each other so well, even if we’ve never spoken to each other, because we are all united to fight for one common goal: defeating The ““Nonprofit””.
I learned so much in this class, and made so many memories, and talked to so many people, but the question of whether or not I regret taking this class in lieu of my experiences may never be able to be answered. It’s a sick and twisted Would You Rather, exchanging my mental health for writing skills and not having FOMO.
And as the clock inches closer to the impending 10:00 PM, he stumbles to a conclusion.
Gosh, I gotta start sleeping earlier. That guy in my brain who keeps referring to this “he” is still so loud. But anyway, it’s a little silly to be writing our “final blog” and then promptly seeing each other in class for the next week and a half. Maybe we’re all collectively hallucinating everything. Who knows.
weevil
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ReplyDeleteWe(e) ball i guess
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ReplyDeleteAlex, I enjoyed this read. I think your first line was super powerful. I loved the way you wove tenses.
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph warrants many reactions but the first one I had was “WOW.” I, too, took several naps after school; although, I don’t know if I regret them because the junior year nap genuinely felt more of a necessity than anything else. Your line of “Regrets for telling people about my emotions. Regrets for not telling people about my emotions” is incredibly poetic. I feel like it really highlights the duality of vulnerability; it shows that there are both positives and negatives from expressing yourself. I think it was super effective the way you placed these sentences.
I will say I agree with you in the sense that this class helped me gain a larger understanding and perspective of life. I feel like we all learned so much, made so many new friends, and all took the same mental health toll for the exchange of the growth we experienced.
I also love the way you “full-circled” your blog with time. The nine to ten pm was incredibly poetic.
Overall, I loved reading this blog. It invited me to reflect on some of my regrets but also some of the decisions I am happy to have made—one of the most notable being the decision to take Lang. Alex, thank you for the creative blogs this year; your writing voice was incredibly unique and I loved reading each of your blogs, regardless of them being written in the last hour (I definitely would not have been able to tell).
Hi Alex, I enjoyed this blog. Actually, I enjoyed every single one of your blogs; your writing has not once failed to captivate me. The way you write shifts elegantly between calculated, sharp, and witty lines to raw and powerful emotional beats. It allows your personality to shine through even when you are talking about your struggles—you know, snap, crunch, crack, etc.
ReplyDeleteIt takes guts to openly discuss all of your regrets. I, too, share some of them. Regrets for letting others down, regrets for not working hard enough, regrets for saying too much—but at the same time, we’ve all done great things too. It may have been worth taking this class if only to read such reflective writing.
For a nonprofit, CollegeBoard has a suspicious amount of money. But for an AP class, our AP Lang is pretty good at forming connections. Great blog, Alex
Hi Alex! I really appreciate your vulnerability in this (the final) week’s blog, even though you said at times you’ve regretted sharing too much. I hope you don’t regret expressing yourself in this blog or in any of them because I personally have found myself thinking about each of your blogs several times throughout my week. They give me insight to aspects I would’ve never considered and make me reflect on my own life, though dismissing my emotions may be more preferable.
ReplyDeleteEvery single line of this blog I could connect to in some way or the other. Just like you, my napping has become problematic and hopefully I will fix it over the summer, but I highly doubt that. When you wrote that this class has broken your “limited viewpoint on life,” I realized how much I’ve gotten to grow from this sometimes overwhelming class. These blogs, the socratic seminars, and the various POAS presentations (even yours) have exposed me to ideas I don’t think I would have surfaced if not for the diverse minds of our classrooms. I am truly grateful for our class and its endless conversations that go well beyond the confines of Mrs. Smith’s room.
When you said that you distanced yourself from your “drawing hobby,” I felt a pang of sadness. I’ve seen so many of your drawings throughout the school year—on Ms. Sangeneni’s and Ms. Phan’s whiteboards or simply on the side of your paper—and I adore them. They are always so meticulous and I can always imagine you and Marvin having conversations about whatever insect the drawing depicts. This kind of segues into your other point of getting to know all of our classmates. I feel connected to each of our classmates, perhaps due to the intensity of this class and the stress that accompanies it. I will miss the wild discussions we’ve all had about the several novels in this course—maybe I’ll call someone up over summer to discuss the APENG summer readings. Oh my! Alex, I think I am starting to get really emotional right now. The fact that this may be the last blog I ever read from you makes me want to cry. Ok, I’m ending this here, but thank you for being an amazing peer this school year in all of the three classes I share with you.
weebol 👍
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ReplyDeleteAlex, first let me thank you for your comment (though I should’ve put this as a reply). You are like the god of poems in my eyes. They’re always remarkable, from you. And so, I’m incredibly flattered by your comment—and also how you were picking up what I was putting down!! You don’t know how happy I am to see that someone caught my “Cheating” bit!!! I am totally all for the both of us writing more poems in the future!
ReplyDeleteI truly dig your blogs. This week, you’ve written something super relatable, and wow, there are really so many regrets to be had this year. Those obligations and afternoon naps, pursuits of joy, and the mass vulnerability that I’ve displayed in my blogs—it’s all been swinging around and hitting me over and over like a pendulum. But, gosh, we’ve made so many memories along the way. That line about defeating the “”Nonprofit”” made me genuinely laugh out loud, but also, rang so true! In a way, I am grateful for your regrets about deadlines. I like seeing your blogs come out on top, being the final representative of the Colby-Jack cohort. Especially with the weevil.
Thank you for an awesome blog yet again. I appreciate the immense authenticity of everything you’ve put out. And your writing is totally always eloquent; striking me with great meaning but also, just demonstrating your great ability. I still have to finish Frieren and stuff. But thank you, truly, for everything!! And, draw!!!!